Don’t be Cruel ... and Four Other Ways to be a Great Sports Parent
By Kelly Morphy and Peter Fazekas
Our first proposed headline for this post, “Don’t be a jerk to your child on the court!” did not make it past the editor’s desk. Something about it being unnecessarily brash. To be fair, yes, we agree: there are gentler, kinder ideas for parents who want to become better sports parents.
So here you go: five key things we want every parent to embrace that we have observed during our combined 50 years’ experience leading young people, coaching and parenting:
Young athletes need opportunities to fail. Out of your view. But with your love.
Unless you are Coach, you aren’t the coach.
Your job is to help your kid fall in love with the sport.
Good people become better winners.
For darn sake, don’t be cruel.
Young athletes need opportunities to fail. Out of your view. But with your love.
First, kids need space to try things on their own, without a parent watching. Let them train without you on the sideline. If you can’t leave the facility, then go for a walk. They will be less inclined to try to impress you with their talents and more willing to take risk. Trying something new and untested is how they will learn and master new skills. They also will develop more self-reliance, which is one of the greatest gifts that youth sports can offer.
Secondly, when you DO witness them fail, they need your love and admiration. If you don’t send the message that, “I love you even when you fail,” your child is far more likely to give up, not to mention suffer broader self-esteem issues.
Unless you are Coach, you aren’t the coach.
Let go of the need for control. Let go of the need to prove to your child how great you are at their sport. Let go of the idea that you’re the best person to teach a top-spin groundstroke or a bending free kick. Even if you were – or are – a top-ranked player, that’s not your job now. Because now:
Your job is to help your kid fall in love with the sport.
When it comes to their sports development, be your kids’ hitting partner, their playtime buddy, the person who gives them positive feedback and an opportunity to have fun. Interact with them the way you would your own teammate: with respect, positivity and kindness. Trust us – they will latch onto the sport far more passionately if they know they get to have a good time playing it with you.
Good people become better winners.
Although you can name exceptions to this rule, our observation is that before they became winning athletes, most high achievers had become good people.
The Volt Method places the whole person at the top of the hierarchy of coaching priorities. Within a single person, the needs of that whole person supersede the needs of the developing athlete within them. Likewise, the needs of the athlete supersede the needs of the developing sport-specific player. The needs of the player supersede the needs of the developing competitor whose aim is to successfully execute their game and win.
That belief is reflected in our hierarchy of coaching priorities, captured in this chart. This also applies to sports parenting. Coaches and parents alike should recognize the greatest impact we can have on the world is to help create great human beings. And sure, we hope that we also get the chance to develop elite competitors. But there are wonderful little human beings inside all of our students who need our support to achieve their full potential.
To get there, our approach is to recognize that the needs of the whole child supersede the needs of the developing athlete, the player or the competitor within that child.
Borrowing from Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, this means that we first ensure the young athlete is safe, feels secure, has love, develops self-esteem and is put into settings in which they can achieve their potential. We add perseverance, punctuality, integrity and personality as part of the whole-person development.
And here it is: don’t be cruel.
If we are trying to do more than just raise a future college scholarship or retirement ticket—and instead are raising good people, athletes and players—then we absolutely must show kindness to these offspring of ours. Sadly, we too often see parents on the tennis courts and soccer pitches just riding their youngsters way too hard. Please, whatever you do, DON’T BE CRUEL TO YOUR KID ON THE COURT OR PITCH. Be patient. Be supportive. Acknowledge and verbalize the good things they are trying to do and tell them you see the effort.
In sum, being a great sports parent is just being a great parent (or adult role model), isn’t it? Let your child have some space to fail, support them win or lose, let someone else coach them, take on the role of helping them fall in love with the sport, and for their sake … be kind.
About the Authors
Kelly is an enthusiastic health advocate with an extensive background in competitive sports and coaching. She played soccer for the University of San Francisco and for the Guam Women’s National Soccer Team before earning a “C” coaching license from the Asian Football Confederation and then coaching high school and youth soccer on Guam and in Central Florida. A mom of three, she now has fallen in love with tennis and can be found on the courts in Central Florida honing her new skills and occasionally helping to lead youth classes.
Peter is a dynamic tennis instructor who was a multi-sport athlete in his native Hungary, where he earned a Master of Education from the Hungarian University of Physical Education with coaching certifications in six sports, including tennis. He earned an Elite Professional (Professional I) coaching certification from the USPTA in 2000. Since founding Tennis Galaxy in Apopka, Fla. in 2005, Peter has helped improve the lives of hundreds of Central Floridians, but he is most proud of his work to inspire entire families to be more active and to eat healthier. In addition to teaching a full schedule of tennis classes and lessons for learners through elite players, Peter spends part of his days writing a book with Kelly to share his unique coaching approach, The Volt Method.